Tuesday, July 31, 2007

What A Feeling

I feel bloated, nauseous and tired.

I am tired of the injections and it has only been three days.

I will see the dr. in a few days and he may decrease the number of vials we have to mix together. But even if he decreases the vials there will still be one needle per night for at least seven more days and that is what I am sick of.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Freaky Science vs. Traditional Medicine

I have been trying to figure out how my mom would feel about my adventures with bio-tech aka “freaky science” . My mother died of breast cancer 15 years ago and some might say that her death was a result of a profound distrust of “freaky science.”

When my mother first discovered a pink discoloration on her left breast, she really thought nothing of it. She did eventually go to her dr who really did not seem alarmed. But the pink spot kept growing.

Eventually, my aunt, who is a nurse, caught glimpse of it in a department store dressing room and ordered my mom to get a biopsy. When she learned that she had to consent to a mastectomy if the area proved cancerous, she refused.

After months of searching, she found a doctor who would do a hairline biopsy. After the test was done, she was told that she had cancer and that he needed a mastectomy and high doses of chemotherapy.

She refused.

She refused to have her breast removed and she refused chemo. Even though I provided her with stats, articles, and support group information, she refused. She had seen an uncle shrivel and die due to chemotherapy. And she swore to herself that she would not be another chemo casualty. Instead she chose to consult a traditional medicine woman from ‘back home’ in the Caribbean who suggested an herb regimen.

When those treatments didn’t work, Mom tried Dr. Akins’ alternative cancer therapies which were expensive and also ineffective. Eventually, as the cancer grew, she tried radiation and finally, she consented to light doses of chemotherapy. But it was too late.

About two years after spotting the breast discoloration, she succumbed to cancer. And throughout the whole ordeal I was very angry with her choices, but I understood that she had a contempt for western medicine, which is not uncommon in black or immigrant communities.

In fact, I hold that contempt whenever I go to the doctor, get a prescription filled or hear about anyone's surgery. Let’s face it, medicine in this country is big business and we have heard stories about the casualties of the medical industrial complex. Immigrants and blacks have a history of being used as guinea pigs in this country, so I think it makes sense to be a little paranoid. Additionally, I have also heard first hand stories about the wonders of herbalists, so I get it.

But I still get angry when I think about how she died. I still get angry when I think about how she could have made different choices and lived longer. And, most importantly, I still miss her every single day.

The circumstances around my mother’s death serve as the back drop to my story. Nadia may or may not completely understand the depth of my conflict with bio-tech aka "freaky science". I definitely feel ambivalent about all of this medication I’m on. On the one hand, I feel self-indulgent and spoiled. On the other hand, I feel like this is my only shot (no pun intented).This is my only road to conception, pregnancy and birth. And I really want to have that biological connection to my child and to my mom.

So even though I know my mom would be completely repelled by the whole egg drop drama, I am convinced that she would be psyched for me to give birth.

And I think that that's what keeps me going.

No Pressure!

We started the injectables last night.

Picture a box with a gazillion mixing and injectable needes and lots of lots of vials of dry and liquid medications that needs to be mixed just so.

Last night we mixed three powdered vials with one liquid vial. Nadia is actually very good at mixing medication, but it was still very nerve racking.

In the grand scheme of things this is a minor pain in the arse.

Yesterday, Dr. Feelgood told me that my fibroids are growing. Unfortunately, the fibroid is attached to my uterus and could cause complications during pregnancy. If I don't get pregnant this time around, I will probably have to have surgery.


Saturday, July 28, 2007

A Message from Our Sponsors

Okay, Nadia and I are about to go to the Drs so that I can get an ultrasound and blood test. This is the begining of the injectable medication cycle. I have to recieve injections for at least the next ten days. I will have to go the the Dr. just about every other day, so they can monitor the size of the egg follicles.

I just want to note here that I have really enjoyed the "break".

But I do want to have my baby.

Let the games begin.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Fingers and Toes. Hope and a Prayer.

I just read an article over at QueerCents.com about the cost of infertility. Apparently, Nina and her partner have been trying to get pregnant for sometime and have spent over $42,000. Yikes. Now I see why Nadia was trying to pin me down this weekend. $42,000 in fertility treatments and sperm is definitely not an option for us. Nadia is the more grounded, practical one. The article cites Abigail Garner who recommends that couples agree on a financial cap early on.

I think that's easier said then done. Nadia wants to know how much I think we should spend on this process. She is not happy about the combination of mixing and injection needles lurking in our bedroom. I am pretty certain that our time to start using them will be this weekend. And neither one of us is really looking forward to pumping me up with medication.

Nadia wants to know when I will be prepared to stop the freaky science, but I could not answer her just yet. She definitely wants to have children but is not sure where we should draw the financial and emotional line. She is the non-bio mom, so I think it can be challenging for her to understand my burning need to give birth right now.

I can't give her an answer just yet, but I do have my fingers and toes crossed.

Monday, July 23, 2007


Oneofhismoms tagged me for a meme. But what she doesn't know is that I don't know eight bloggers.


Here we go...

Here are the rules excerpted from her site :

Let others know who tagged you.

Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.

Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.

Players should tag 8 other people and tell them they’ve been tagged.

1. I have 5'2" tall and my partner calls me "shortie".

2. Pink is my favorite color.My aunt tells a story about how I was so excited to put on a pink dress when I was eight years old that I almost peed on myself.

3. I love shopping for vintage clothes. In fact, I love to buy clothes and then sneak them in the house when Nadia isn't looking. When I finally do put on my new purchase, I try to act like I have owned if for a while but just have not worn it in a long time. She is very observant, though. Damn!

4.Carne asada burritos are my favorite guilty pleasure. Don't ask me why.

5. I like watching stupid TV shows and movies and that is why I still watch The L Word.

6. John Lennon's Imagine is one of my favorite songs. I love Etta's James' version of it.

7. I am claustrophobic. And hate riding elevators. I live pretty high up in building complex and I am forced to ride the elevator every day at least twice a day. I dread it every morning. I often ask myself on the ride down, what would I do if I got stuck in here? My answers vary from "mediate" to "take off all my clothes and curl up into a ball on the floor."

8. I would love to publish a book of fiction or a memoir.

Here goes Nadia...

1. I am very attached to my stress.

2. Turtles are my favorite animal.

3. If I won lotto I would open up a cafe run my bad ass adolescents.

4. I love to mess with cats and don't mind if they scratch me.

5. One of my favorite movies is Muriel's Wedding.

6. My hair is my vanity.

7. My weirdest moment was being the only latino in a stadium of Bruce Springsteen fans (I am a die hard).

8. I don't like board games.

Okay, now I have to go find 8 bloggers. Oneofhismoms is one of my favorite bloggers in the lesbian conception blogosphere, but I guess I have to venture out a bit.

Dawn and Michelle (okay so that's two people), Shelli, anelephantsgestation, queermom, pdvaldez, SaraandErin.

I actually found eight people. That's hot!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Freaky Science

My wife, Egg Drop Blogger, suggested I drop in to share what I am feeling. I have never blogged before but here it is........

I am happy but I am worried....though I must admit I am generally a worrier.

I worry about the freaky science. What effect do the drugs have on the baby? What effect would IVF have on the baby? What effect will this process have on Egg Drop Blogger? What if we have twins? Or tripplets?

I worry about being a parent. Will I be any good at it? What if I don't love my child? What if my child doesn't love me?

I worry about the ethics of it. What about all the children already on this earth who have no one? Is it "wrong" to go through such expense and trouble to have our own?

I worry about my relationship with Egg Drop Blogger. What if we fight all the time about how to raise the baby? What if we can't agree? EDB and I have a very different perspective on the world. She is definately American, she has that can-do spirit of man will conquer nature. I look at the world quite differently. Where I am from in South America life is cheap. You make the best with what you have and accept what life deals you. I feel like a hypocrite working so hard to have my own baby when I think of all the children begging on the streets in my country. Why can't I help them?

I guess I love EDB because of her positive spirit. I am definately the pessimistic and morose one. I am committed to taking it one day at a time. When I let myself fantasize about the baby though, I feel that it is all going to be alright. I'd love to have a little EDB running around.

How cute would that be!?!

In 10 seconds...


The folks at blogher.com have challenged us to write about ourselves in 10 seconds. It is kind of hard. I have worked in new york's nonprofit sector for close to 10 years, but my focus these days is on trying to get pregnant. As a 37 year old lesbian, this presents some challenges. Nadia, my partner of 7 years, and I are in this together so that helps.

Approaching the road to pregnancy from a Christian fundamentalist background is not easy. I am increasingly awed and dismayed by the wonders of bio-tech. Picking the first donor was hard, switching to a new donor was even harder. Looking at all of the needles I will use this month gives me goose pimples, but as the baby clock ticks and as I wait for the right egg to drop, I use this space to connect with others around my quest to make a baby.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Breath of Fresh Air???

I haven't posted in ions (okay since July4th) and I have mixed feelings about it. Let me tell you why...

Last cycle I was supposed to start injectable fertility medication but I came down with food poisoning. I threw up several times and I was very weak. There was no way I could start the meds. Nadia and I decided that we should skip this entire cycle.

It turned out that it was a good idea because it gave us time to breathe. I think we were both feeling a bit overwhelmed by the process and even though it was supposed to bring us together watching my eggs drop was starting to pull us farther and farther apart.

She was feeling guilty because she was working so hard. She could not seem to find the time to go to the Dr. with me. When she was able to get there, we would have to sit and wait for hours and sometimes she would have to leave for a meeting before I was inseminated. This was very frustrating. I was feeling resentful because I felt that she was not as invested in this process as I was.

Since we skipped this cycle we have had time to reconnect and discuss our hopes and fears. What I learned from Nadia is that she was feeling very disconnected as the 'non-bio mom'. It turns out she is very worried she will not be present when I actually do get pregnant and that we will have to tell our child that Mama Nadia was working when s/he was conceived.

I think just hearing Nadia admit that brought us closer. And I think that this time around, unlike the other times, I will feel like Nadia is with me in the Dr's office even when she isn't physically there.

In many ways, skipping this cycle was a wonderful, magical blessing, but I am even more eager to get pregnant now. Tick tock.

Coming here and writing makes the process more real, makes me feel more present because it gives me the opportunity to reflect and connect with the generous folks who read this blog; but it can also heighten the egg drop watch, make it more painful, especially when it's delayed.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

It's the Little Things: Biotechnology vs. Christian Fundamentalism

Six months ago, some of my family members googled me and discovered I was a lesbian. They then began to have a global internet discussion about me without my knowledge. The conversation lasted for several months, spanning several countries from the Caribbean, United States, Canada and, possibily, England. One of my aunts told me about it recently Since then I have had a few brief discussions with some of them about their shame and complete and total disappointment in my "lifestyle".

Monday, July 2, 2007


I've made a discovery almost as significant as Columbus' discovery. Recently, I discovered thousands of lesbian conception blogs. Now that I know that they are out there, I feel a bit silly admitting that I thought I was one of a select few with a clever idea.

Some of my favorite lesbo blogs are already listed, but I assure you that I will list others as soon as I find the time. If you have any suggestions as I wade through this brave, new world, please let me know.

When Nadia and I first started this journey a few months ago, I had no idea how big the lesboconeptionblogosphere really was. I have to sheepishly admit it's pretty damn vast! I feel comforted but I also feel a bit small. I don't know if I can keep up with it all or where I fit in.

As a black lesbian, I wonder if my voice is distinguishable from the thousands of other queers who are doggedly counting their egg waiting for the right one to drop.

But then again, in the grand scheme and wonderment of conception, birth and rejunvenation, does it really matter?

Sunday, July 1, 2007

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

Okay, so we are probably going to do the next round of inseminations with a blond- haired green-eyed French, German, Englishman. What?!?

When I first started this process, I did not even look at the sperm bank message boards to investigate the buzz about my donor. I considered this a deeply sacred experience that was to be shared between me, my partner, the sperm bank, the doctor, his business partner and all of the nurses on staff.

After Nadia and I made our donor selection the first time, I just knew that donor 57ddwas the one for me. He was Mr. Social Justice South American. He was not materialistic and had brown, wavy hair, just like my wife. When we listened to his voice for the first time on the audio recording, it was like love at first utterance, if you believe in miracles.

We were totally enraptured. We bought his picture and squealed when the downloading image first came into focus.

But as I have mentioned before on this blog, it all came crashing to an end when I confirmed with the sperm bank staff that my donor had retired. This explains why on two occasions I had to order my second choice sperm, donor number 37zz, one of the few open African-American donors. He is African-American, Native-American, German-Jewish and a smoker. I've used him twice and there is no bun baking in my oven.

In light of the fact that I will now be on injectable fertility hormones for 8-10 days, I've been scavenging the sperm bank message boards to see who recently got pregnant and by whom. This is how I came to choose donor 37ee. He seems quite effective. He is also an open donor, which means a lot to Nadia and me. It's not exaclty love, but if it works this time around it could be.

Thousands of dollars later, I need a dude whose boys can swim fast and hard up my uterus even after I've jumped out of the stirrups to hustle my way to work.