I haven't posted in ions (okay since July4th) and I have mixed feelings about it. Let me tell you why...
Last cycle I was supposed to start injectable fertility medication but I came down with food poisoning. I threw up several times and I was very weak. There was no way I could start the meds. Nadia and I decided that we should skip this entire cycle.
It turned out that it was a good idea because it gave us time to breathe. I think we were both feeling a bit overwhelmed by the process and even though it was supposed to bring us together watching my eggs drop was starting to pull us farther and farther apart.
She was feeling guilty because she was working so hard. She could not seem to find the time to go to the Dr. with me. When she was able to get there, we would have to sit and wait for hours and sometimes she would have to leave for a meeting before I was inseminated. This was very frustrating. I was feeling resentful because I felt that she was not as invested in this process as I was.
Since we skipped this cycle we have had time to reconnect and discuss our hopes and fears. What I learned from Nadia is that she was feeling very disconnected as the 'non-bio mom'. It turns out she is very worried she will not be present when I actually do get pregnant and that we will have to tell our child that Mama Nadia was working when s/he was conceived.
I think just hearing Nadia admit that brought us closer. And I think that this time around, unlike the other times, I will feel like Nadia is with me in the Dr's office even when she isn't physically there.
In many ways, skipping this cycle was a wonderful, magical blessing, but I am even more eager to get pregnant now. Tick tock.
Coming here and writing makes the process more real, makes me feel more present because it gives me the opportunity to reflect and connect with the generous folks who read this blog; but it can also heighten the egg drop watch, make it more painful, especially when it's delayed.