Queer Concepts

Even though I am taking time off from 'the process', I still think about it all of the time. What would it be like for me to have a baby? Can I handle it? Do I have the patience? Will I have the money? Will I have the support of friends and family? Will my child feel loved?

It is strange to think that I am 37 years old and yet I feel like a child. On days like today, I feel as if I've made many mistakes; taken so many bad turns; let many loved ones slip out of my orbit.

What kind of role model will I be for my child?

And am I making another bad decision?

I feel guilty, for example, that I am a lesbian using a sperm donor. I can hear my grandmother telling me how unnatural it is, "that is just unGodly," she would say. It's not just that I am going to a fertility specialist, for Grandmum it is the idea that two women would have the hubris to think that they could raise a normal, healthy, child.

And yet,in my heart of hearts, as a Christian I don't believe that there is only one truth and that there is only one path. I don't believe my life is wrong, just out of sync with what the majority thinks it should be.

But my opposition could be a good thing. When I think of Jesus Christ and his opposition to the norms of the day, I am inspired to let my light shine in the only way I know how.

I want to pass on the love I received from my grandmother, aunts and mother to my child, so that the circle of life continues on. I believe that in queering the norms of the day, we create a universe for all God's children.

Time Off

I have to go on a business trip at the end of April, so I will have to skip a cycle. Maybe it is for the best because seeing a negative pregnancy test is not fun. I could have sworn that I was pregnant, but maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me or maybe it was the hormone injection that I took to make me ovulate. Nevertheless, getting my period was traumatic, and I taking a break from the egg drop drama might be a good thing.

The Beginning of the Marathon?

I am extremely tired right now. I am completely exhausted it is crazy. I slept from 9:30pm to 7pm (9.5 hours) and I could sleep for another 12 hours.

I was hurt when Nadia said that she would be relieved if I were not prego because she is so damn stressed about her job. Even though I understand her fear and anxiety, it did hurt.

She feels like we are not ready to have a child, but when will we be?

I feel like I am prego and that it is going to take a lot of my energy just to sit immobile and have the baby feed off of me. I feel a bit nauseous right now. It is weird because my stomach cannot deal with certain things, for example, when my boss was in here after a smoke, I thought I would toss my cookies. I feel as if I am more susceptible to smells than I ever have been before. I also only want to drink sparkling water. I wonder if it has to do with the kind of vitamins I have been taking? I have been taking fish oil, flaxseed, and prenatal vitamins. I am going to cut back on the fish oil stuff. Maybe that is making me want to vomit.

It was good seeing my dad yesterday for Easter service, but I did not tell him about the insemination. I figure, why buy trouble? I will tell him when I am pregnant. At that point, he might be excited to have a grandchild.

If I am prego I will be happy but I feel like, 'what the hell am I doing'? Talk about running a marathon! I don’t know if I will be able to do it, if I feel this bad all of the time. It is also hard to work while be so distracted and thinking about my body all of the time.

I am really in a daze right now.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock, You Don't Stop

Today I went for my second insemi. It was boring and long. I had to wait an hour and a half. Which really sucks. At any rate. The Dr. told me that I had already ovulated so I don’t know if that is a good or bad sign. But I will say that I already knew that. That I knew the moment that I was ovulating and that it really felt as if the egg was fertilizing. Is that just wishful thinking on my part?

Now I wait.

Walking on Egg Shells

I just got back from my first insemination. The Dr's office was like a baby making factory.The women kept walking in, walking in, walking in. I got there at 7:45 and the Dr. did not see me until 10, okay?

It was weird the way they had me verify the donor number 57## and the race” caucasian”, or at one point, the Dr. even said, “wwhhite?” He then checked me to make sure that the egg had not yet dropped. Yes, Nadia and I want a child that looks like a mixture of us.

The whole procedure was very clinical and quick. It is funny how millions of years of reproduction get whittled down to 5 minutes.

*HCG shot at 8pm last night
*Insemi at 10am this am
*Egg drop at 2pm
*Conception at??????????????????????????????