Even though I am taking time off from 'the process', I still think about it all of the time. What would it be like for me to have a baby? Can I handle it? Do I have the patience? Will I have the money? Will I have the support of friends and family? Will my child feel loved?
It is strange to think that I am 37 years old and yet I feel like a child. On days like today, I feel as if I've made many mistakes; taken so many bad turns; let many loved ones slip out of my orbit.
What kind of role model will I be for my child?
And am I making another bad decision?
I feel guilty, for example, that I am a lesbian using a sperm donor. I can hear my grandmother telling me how unnatural it is, "that is just unGodly," she would say. It's not just that I am going to a fertility specialist, for Grandmum it is the idea that two women would have the hubris to think that they could raise a normal, healthy, child.
And yet,in my heart of hearts, as a Christian I don't believe that there is only one truth and that there is only one path. I don't believe my life is wrong, just out of sync with what the majority thinks it should be.
But my opposition could be a good thing. When I think of Jesus Christ and his opposition to the norms of the day, I am inspired to let my light shine in the only way I know how.
I want to pass on the love I received from my grandmother, aunts and mother to my child, so that the circle of life continues on. I believe that in queering the norms of the day, we create a universe for all God's children.