The Creepy Crawlies

Okay, so the anxiety and nerves are setting in. They are slowly creeping into my everyday thinking. When I started the injectibles, I was pretty calm cool and collected about everything, some might even say, nonchalant.

The first injectible cycle, I was really diligent about the timing and really anal about mixing the vials. Now I can talk on the phone, fry bacon, and mix menopur all at the same time. I haven't even experienced many, if any side effects since Nadia started shooting me up last week.

But now that it looks like I will have IUIs on Wednesday and Thursday of next week, I find myself thinking about the what ifs:


What if we have another tornado and I can't hitch a ride to the drs?


What if the sperm count is really low and we can't use it?


What if the timing is completely off and the sperm misses all of my eggs completely? Frozen sperm isn't as potent as live sperm, you know.

From the looks of things, it seems as if I will have at least five eggs to gamble on, if not more. So the odds are decent but I am still slowly turning into a bag of nerves.

I go back on Monday to get wanded and firm up the dates of my insemination.

Happy New Year?

Happy, Happy!

Here is a look at what Santa brought me...

And a special Egg Drop shout out to Co and Lo who are celebrating their first Christmas with their 12 day old son, Jo.

She's Here

Auntie Flo is here. Let the games begin.

Photo Friday: The Best of 2007

I could not resist jumping into this photo Friday. This is a picture of my wedding bouquet taken with my camera phone. I probably have a better pictures to share because we did hire a photographer that day but I kind of like the amateur nature of this one.

Imagine being completely alone on a secluded beach in Nova Scotia, Canada with the person you love, a JP (Justice of the Peace), a photographer, and another witness-- a lady we met five minutes before the ceremony began. It was a very intimate wedding. It was a very beautiful wedding and it was definately the best thing that happened to me in 2007.

I love pink roses and I love Nadia. I am so proud to be her wife.

Bring it On!

So, after getting the good news yesterday, Nadia and I spent a few hours last night selecting a new donor. All of the donors we previously selected have retired.

So let's recap, shall we?

First there was the South American dreamboat we immediately fell in love with after listening to his audio interview for the first time. His pitch perfect voice was the perfect gift wrap to his comments on social justice and family. Then there was the African/Native American/German who was absolutely perfect except for his smoking which caused his sperm count to be respectable with 'room for improvement', according to Dr. Feelgood. Most recently, we used a French/English/Dutch donor who --according to the message boards anyway-- was extremely fertile. But four unsuccessful rounds of IUIs later-- unfortunately, or maybe fortunately-- all of these lovely specimens are retired from the game.

I am not exactly sure why we feel we have to start from scratch evertime a donor retires but we do. So last night Nadia and I put all of our cards on the table--again--and (re)hashed out what we are looking for in a donor. Even though we know that there is no perfect donor, I guess we always worry that we've overlooked the One who will answer our prayers, get us pregnant, and make all of our dreams come true.

So starting from scratch meant thinking about what it is we really want in a donor. Do we want open donor? An ethnic donor? and if so, what ethnicity would we choose? African American? Latino? Mixed race?

We also talked about how important it is that our donors boys cans swim? Every cycle represents over a thousand dollars in sperm and shipping costs not to mention the emotional toll it takes.

Nadia was really concerned about whether or not Baby Godot would somehow resent us for not choosing an open donor. She works with adolescents and thinks that these type of decisions can come back to bite parents on the a**

I, on the other hand, was most concerned with choosing an 'effective' donor. Is there a definitive way of knowing how many offspring he has? Three donors into this, I also feel strongly about having someone who is Latino and, possibly, someone who looks like Nadia.

Well to make a long story short, we decided on a closed Latino donor who has a pregnancy track record.

We both feel good about the decision and even though I can honestly say that this journey has tested our relationship, it has also brought us closer together.

Even though I had some reservations about starting back on the fertility hamster wheel so close to my surgery, I can't wait 'til this cycle begins.

Bring on Auntie Flo!

Swoosh, Part Deux

I am ecstatic after my conversation with Dr. Feelgood today. I had to stalk him a little bit because the receptionist did not want to connect me. In fact, she told me that I may have to come back in for a consultation to get my questions answered. I politely explained to her that he suggested we communicate via email; however, I was still waiting to hear back from him.

I actually had two questions. One was about the importance of CMV status when choosing a donor and the other was about my uterus.

After putting me on hold for several minutes—several times--she told me to wait one more minute. Tic, toc…tick toc. Then, I found myself on the phone with Dr. Feelgood. I made some pleasantries and then asked him to clarify his thoughts on my uterus. At first, he didn’t remember our last conversation or my exam, so I had to walk him through the “no pain, no gain’ exam, his drawing of my distorted uterus, and his statement about how he did not know what it all meant.

“Did I really say that”, he said.

“Ummm, yeah! Well, anyway, I’m wondering if you think that the distortion will affect my ability to get pregnant?”

Pause

Drum roll please…

"Um, no I don’t think so, I don’t think it will have an effect but of course it is hard to say for certain."

Score!

I think that is the best I can hope for. And, even though this is excellent news, it pains me a little to admit Nadia that was right.


So, it's official! I will start the hampster wheel, TTC, eggdropdrama, injectible cycle again at the end of this month.

Thank you, Jesus!

A Little Mystery Goes A Long Way

Okay, so I went to my acupuncturist today and I told her about my doctor visit. And I got to say, I felt good when she was less than impressed by the doctor formerly known as Dr. Feelgood. She couldn't believe that he 'did not know' what to make of his little diagram. She said that she was not comfortable with how he left things and that I should follow up.

I told her that I had actually emailed my doctor and was waiting to hear back from him. I know, I know, he is a busy man and I may never hear from him again.

Then again, there is Nadia's question: Will hearing a response from him really make me feel better?

No, it won't.

I have to keep reminding myself that there is something magical and mysterious about about conception and birth so maybe a little mystery is--excuse this horrible pun--just what the doctor ordered?

I hope so.

Swoosh

What a roller coaster ride!

So I had my saline sonogram, aka my “no pain no gain exam” and it hurt like hell, but I got through it by gritting my teeth and holding Nadia’s hand. After the torture was over, I was expecting my doctor to say, ‘Congratulations, the surgery was a major success and you are all set to go!” In retrospect maybe I was a little naïve.

He told me that my uterus ‘looked good’ that there were no longer any masses or major distortions. However, he did take the time to draw me a picture so that I could see what he saw.

Apparently, because of the surgery, my uterus is still slightly distorted, though far better than it was before. I looked at him with a kind of WTF face and he said, ‘what does this mean? Well, I don’t know.” I wanted to say, ‘You don’t know? You mean to tell me that I have endured major abdominal surgery, two weeks of excruciating pain followed by four weeks of manageable pain and discomfort and at the end of all of that, you don’t know how to interpret this very costly picture of my uterus? WTF?!?” That was what I wanted to say, but the reality is that I was feeling too vulnerable to say anything. I know that there are no guarantees in life, but since he encouraged me to have the surgery, I was hoping for a more positive result. I really was.

We agreed that I would call him when Auntie Flow paid a visit and that I would start the next injectible cycle later this month.

After the visit, I was not a happy camper. In fact, I will confess that I was on the verge of tears when Nadia—the eternal pessimist—showed me some sunshine.

She said that she heard things differently. She said that she thought he seemed very positive. She reminded me that doctors rarely commit to anything. She told me that I should take what he said in stride and not allow myself to think negatively. She said she felt good about the visit and that she was excited to start trying again.

I'm glad that she was there to lead me out of the darkness.