Inching Towards a Perfect World

Nadia talks about foster care and adoption a lot! Sometimes I hate it and sometimes I'm moved by it and sometimes it hurts my feelings because I feel as if she's rejecting my spawn.

Today, we had a great exchange. I think we've finally come to a meeting of the minds. But please don't hold your breath-- I don't want your demise on my conscience.

Nadia and I have 'decided' that we will have two kids. First I will give birth and then we will adopt a foster child. For those of you who have been following this egg drop drama, this may seem like a so what, but for Nadia and I, this is actually a watershed moment.

We debated on whether or not to have kids for approximately six years. We debated whether or not we would have one or two kids for the same amount of time. Throughout the majority of our relationship (we are approaching 8 years), I have been completely ambivalent about having kids. For most of my life, I rejected the idea of motherhood in its entirety.

So, I know that it is a bit odd for Nadia to discover that giving birth is all I think about. On the other hand, Nadia has shared my ambivalence about starting a family for the longest time. As a teenager she used to fantasize about having five kids, but she was never clear on how she actually got them. At any rate, it's strange for me to discover that she is passionately committed to adopting a foster child. I never knew how much that meant to her. Sometimes you discover a thing about a loved one while she is discovering the same exact thing about herself.

I think that the TTC journey, particularly these last few months, stirred up a lot of thoughts and emotions for Nadia.

So, despite the fact that Nadia accompanied me on my first visit to Dr Feelgood, my wonderful RE, and helped me pick out donors on numerous occasions, I now know for a fact that we were at a bit of an impasse while I was actively trying to conceive.

Now, I think we have moved significantly closer in our approach to childrearing. I think that this forced break has given us time to breathe and hear one another. And the fact that we can actually hear one another makes all of the difference. Little by little we are figuring out a way for us to both get what we want.

In our perfect world, we both win and Godot gets a sibling.

TTC Books, Blogs, and Hope

So I just read a very interesting post over at Afterellen.com about books and blogs dedicated to lesbian motherhood. I was very excited to see the article because it gives visibility to an important slice of lesbian life on a popular website I enjoy.

The article focuses on a small sample of blogs and books written by lesbian moms, like Lesbian Dad, Mombian, etc. Linda Villarosa starts off by mentioning a new book called, Knock Yourself Up: A Tell-All Guide to Becoming a Single Mom, which apparently does chronicle one single lesbian’s journey to motherhood. The book apparently is marketed to the 'general audience' so it's not all lesbian all the time. The author, Louise Sloan, also includes interviews with 50 other women about their quest to reproduce.

Apparently, it took her 15 years to give birth, and then there was a bidding war on her book after she first mentions an essay about her TTC journey to a publisher.

So, maybe there is a little ray of hope reserved for me, Nadia and baby Godot.

Waiting for Godot

Once I get off of this ride, should I name my baby boy or girl Godot? Or would that be considered cruel and inhuman punishment?

A Wrinkle in Time

So I am traveling for work and I am registered to attend a huge conference and, frankly, I don’t want to do anything. I just want to park myself in my room and look at my navel.

Emotionally, I feel as if I am in some kind of holding pattern. I feel as if all I do is wait. I am waiting for surgery, waiting for recovery, waiting to begin the TTC and then, the ultimate wait, some might say, is the TWW. Basically, I miss being on the hamster wheel.

I know that the surgery may increase my chances to conceive but it is hard to keep sight of that sometimes.

On the other hand, I know that this is just a moment in time and that this too shall pass.

Little Detour

I'm feeling very blah. I am sad that I am not on the TTC journey, at least not actively. I resent the fact that I'm now on an official detour, but I keep trying to remind myself that I should be using this time to 'get it together'.

But I can't quite figure out what that means. What would it look like for me to have my sh*t together?

I will keep blogging about it and maybe, just maybe, I will be able to figure out where this TTC journey is headed.

My First (and last?) Mammogram

Have you ever had a mammogram?

A mammogram is like a right of passage into middle age, right? Well today was my first one. What else do I have to look forward to.

I gotta say: THAT SUCKED!

Basically, the technician twisted me into the shape of a pretzel and then tried to flatten my boobs into a pancakes one at a time, so she could take a pictures. Ouch! I told the technician that it was painful through gritted teeth and white knuckles. She responded with, “really?”

When it was over, I told her I was traumatized.

And I thought I had been through enough with all of the fertility testing I've endured.

When I told Nadia about it she said that she never found them to be painful, but she has a high threshold for pain.

I don't want to do that again.

I Miss Needles

I am brainstorming new projects just to keep my mind off of my impending surgery. I think I might pick up needlepoint. It is something I used to do when I was young. I think it will remind me of my mom.

Or maybe I just miss needles after the injectable cycle?

Planes, Trains, Automobiles, and the OR?

Okay, I promised myself that I would not post about my job and, believe me I am usually quite good at demonstrating restraint, but I can't resist this one story.

Two days ago my boss came to me and asked if I would travel to Europe for the job in October. I know this may sound glamorous, but keep reading...

She wants me to go to Europe to represent the organization at a two day meeting the week of my surgery. She wants me to spend four days abroad and arrive back in the U.S two days before my surgery, which she knows all about. I told her that I was scheduled to have blood work done at the hospital during that time, so I did not think I could make it. And her response was, "can you call your doctor, change the date of your blood work, and make the trip?"She was not apologetic about her request. She would really like to go to this very important meeting, but she has a 'conflict'.

I think my conflict is a little more pressing. I don't want to arrive back in the U.S. exhausted, jet-lagged, with airborne germs floating in my system two days before my first surgery. If I have a cold the day of my surgery, it may have to be rescheduled. Don't I have enough anxiety to deal with? I am dying to get back to my copious egg counting and egg drop drama hampster wheel.

Needless to say, I said, no, but I know she will ask me at least two more times before October.

TGIF

I promised myself that I would not blog about my job, but I am must confess that I am happy that it is Friday. What can I say? It was just 'one of those weeks.'

Do you ever have weeks like that?

Any Suggestions?

Now that am counting down the days to my convalescence. I thought I would ask for reading recommendations. I love all kinds of books, so I am totally open, but I have been told that I won't be able to concentrate immediately after my surgery. Given the fact that the recovery time is 4 to 6 weeks, I am assuming that I will be able to polish off a few good books.

Any suggestions? What are some of your favorites?

Also, I have some to recommend as well. There is more to come when I have more time and when Nadia doesn't need to write a report for work.

Stay Tuned!

She Hate Me

It was the middle of 2004 and I had just paid 10 bucks to watch Spike Lee’s new joint: She Hate Me. I don’t exactly know why I went to see it. You see, Spike and I have a love/hate relationship. I admire his talent, vision and commitment to telling the stories that folks don’t often want to hear, but sometimes I think he gets a little off track.

Over the years, I’ve enjoyed She Gotta Have It (1986), and Do the Right Thing (1989), but by the time Get on the Bus (1996) came out, I was over Spike. His rigid treatment of black male and female relationships became a little too predictable for me as I slowly embarked on a journey to explore my sexual identity. In retrospect, I bought the movie ticket because I wanted to give Spike another chance. I was hoping that the man who memorialized, “Where are the brothers on the wall?” in Do the Right Thing would not let me down.

What ensued on screen that night is too confusing and disturbing to detail here. Needless to say, I was not impressed with Spike’s treatment of black lesbians and their unbridled desire to get pregnant. The women in his movie would stop at nothing to fertilize their eggs; in fact the lesbian protagonist, Fatima Goodrich (Kerry Washington) launches a baby making business, exploiting the virility of John Henry ‘Jack’ Armstrong (Anthony Mackey), who tries to impregnate black lesbians through sexual intercourse at $10,000 per session. I found the portrayal disappointing, insulting, ludicrous, and just plain ignorant. I left the theater feeling angry, isolated, and bitter. The characters in this film showed no depth. In the spirit of Mookie (Spike Lee) in Do the Right Thing, I wanted to ask, “Where are the sisters on the wall, Spike?” Where are the positive images of the women who support you year, after year, after year?

But sometimes I look at my life now and I wonder: have I turned into a character in a Spike Lee Joint?

Six Months and Counting

I had a really great time in the Poconos this weekend with Nadia. We hiked, laughed and loved. It felt good.

I also had a session with a reflexologist this weekend, which was extremely relaxing. She told me about the healing powers of reflexology. According to her, it can cure many ills, including infertility. When she said that, my ears perked up. She told me that rubbing my feet in certain areas could stimulate my ovaries and help my reproductive area, and y'all know I need help, especially in light of my October surgery date.

Even though I really enjoyed my session, I fear that I might fall down the rabbit hole into fertility treatment wonderland. It seems as if every time I turn around someone is promising to help me get pregnant, and I need to be careful. I feel very vulnerable right now.

I feel like an easy mark for several reasons. First, I had 4 rounds of IUIs that did not work. Then I did fertility drugs and I was sure that it would work, but it did not. And now I am scheduled to have surgery to increase my chances of getting pregnant and carry the baby to term. It would be so easy to spend all of my money on fertility treatments because it would make me feel more in control, when all I can really do right now is wait until I can get back on the TTC hampster wheel again. I have to wait three whole cycles after the surgery to start TTC.

Six months is a long time, but maybe it will give me time to loose weight (I have gained 8lbs since I started TTC) and get my life together. Can I do all that in six months? On second thought, it might not be enough time…