More Egg Drop Drama: The TTC, A Romance Buster.

If you want to comprise the intimacy in your relationship and watch all romance fall by the wayside, embark on a TTC journey with your partner. I know that sounds a bit melodramatic, and I know that I am not speaking for everyone out there, but this has been my experience.

Nadia and I have been going through major changes. It’s weird because, as you know, I am taking a break from the TTC as I wait for medical insurance to kick in, but I am still as obsessed with the TTC as I have ever been, and Nadia has had it. And, quite frankly, in my more lucid moments, I don’t blame her.

It’s hard to sit on the sidelines for over a year and be supportive of every twinge your partner is feeling. It’s hard to support an obsession you don’t share. Nadia, as you know, is ready to move on and adopt. I think that she has been an excellent wife, all things considered. I think her position now is that the TTC has negatively impacted our intimacy and has really taken the romance out of the relationship.

The injectible cycles, my fertility surgery, and now the impending IVF cycle have made my hormones completely wacky, my moods unpredictable, compromised my body image, and caused me to withdraw from the world, to some extent. Friends and family have been divided into ‘those you know’ and ‘those who don’t’. And it affects my relationship. Nadia’s fear is that if things are this way between us now, if our life is framed between two week waits and/or defined by whether or not we are TTCing or not, now, how are things going to be when we have a child? And, I have to admit, she has a point.

This past week our relationship weathered a perfect storm, it was ugly--dripping with anger and tears-- but I am hopeful that the worst part is over. We did a lot of talking and, in true lesbian fashion, a lot of processing. The next time I start channeling my inner Christian S. from Project Runway, I need to think about how my TTC self-absorption is affecting my partner. At the same time, she needs to let me know asap when she is feeling like a prop in my high-octane- earth-mother-vision. We plan to institute romance into the relationship no matter the cost. We need to bottle the nirvana we felt in the Caribbean, despite the daily madness of our New York lives and we need to prioritize our marriage.

Oh, and we need to breathe. We are taking things one breathe at time.

Inching Towards a Perfect World

Nadia talks about foster care and adoption a lot! Sometimes I hate it and sometimes I'm moved by it and sometimes it hurts my feelings because I feel as if she's rejecting my spawn.

Today, we had a great exchange. I think we've finally come to a meeting of the minds. But please don't hold your breath-- I don't want your demise on my conscience.

Nadia and I have 'decided' that we will have two kids. First I will give birth and then we will adopt a foster child. For those of you who have been following this egg drop drama, this may seem like a so what, but for Nadia and I, this is actually a watershed moment.

We debated on whether or not to have kids for approximately six years. We debated whether or not we would have one or two kids for the same amount of time. Throughout the majority of our relationship (we are approaching 8 years), I have been completely ambivalent about having kids. For most of my life, I rejected the idea of motherhood in its entirety.

So, I know that it is a bit odd for Nadia to discover that giving birth is all I think about. On the other hand, Nadia has shared my ambivalence about starting a family for the longest time. As a teenager she used to fantasize about having five kids, but she was never clear on how she actually got them. At any rate, it's strange for me to discover that she is passionately committed to adopting a foster child. I never knew how much that meant to her. Sometimes you discover a thing about a loved one while she is discovering the same exact thing about herself.

I think that the TTC journey, particularly these last few months, stirred up a lot of thoughts and emotions for Nadia.

So, despite the fact that Nadia accompanied me on my first visit to Dr Feelgood, my wonderful RE, and helped me pick out donors on numerous occasions, I now know for a fact that we were at a bit of an impasse while I was actively trying to conceive.

Now, I think we have moved significantly closer in our approach to childrearing. I think that this forced break has given us time to breathe and hear one another. And the fact that we can actually hear one another makes all of the difference. Little by little we are figuring out a way for us to both get what we want.

In our perfect world, we both win and Godot gets a sibling.

The Shoes of a Lesbian Dad

I discovered Lesbian Dad on the same day that Nadia jokingly complained to me about how hard it was to be a lesbian dad. “Being a lesbian dad ain’t easy," she said. "You have to get up early to take your wife to the doctor so she can have her blood drawn and her poonanny checked by an objective third party. I’m tired,” she said. And we both laughed because we were both tired. Tired of the doctor visits, not to mention the fact that it was barely 5 am.

At that moment, however, I thought about how challenging it must be to be the non-bio mom in this equation. I keep forgetting because I'm feeling very self-absorbed these days. Pumped up on fertility medication, I experience life in a daze so I'm not as present as I used to be. When Nadia joked about the challenges of being a lesbian dad, I thought about how easy it would be for her to stay in bed in the morning and let me go the doctor by myself. And I wondered what I would do if the situation were reversed.

I don’t know what I would do if she were on fertility medication; constantly scrounging the internet for information; investigating new fertility treatments; reading every book written on the topic; and repeatedly recalculating the odds of getting pregnant 'this cycle' with a frenzied look in her eye.

I don't know how I would feel if I recently chose to have a hysterectomy to remove my fibroids. Nadia never wanted to give birth so she had no qualms about having her uterus removed when her fibroids got too big. How would I respond to my partner’s burning desire to bear a child if my core values privileged nurturing children in care who may not have functional familes?

It is true that for most of my life, I did not want children. But something changed in me within the last seven years. Repro desire has crept into my heart, slowly but surely, and I have to admit that it can be consuming at times. During those moments, it's hard to remember to make space for Nadia. And it's hard to know how to make space for Nadia.

I think it must be hard for Nadia, the-lesbian-dad-to-be, to keep her center, her place, her identity vis-a-vis our unborn child in an experiment between my body and anonymous sperm. It's an adventure where the stakes get higher and higher with each passing day.

The underlying questions remain the same:
*How much will this cycle cost?
*What are they long term effects of infertility drugs?
*How long can we afford to keep doing this?
*Does this crap really work?

And the answers to those questions seem to change all the time. The uncertainty lingers.

But I do know that the love still flows deeply between us and that Nadia will make a great daddy.

Nuptials

Nadia and I had a wondeful, very private, wedding ceremony in Canada. The Canadians are so civilized. They never even batted an eyelash when we asked for the license or when we approached the JP (justice of the peace).

I keep reminding everyone involved that this was a same-sex marriage, they would look at me and say, "so?"

What is wrong with this country?

She 'gets' me

Nadia and I are in Canada and we had a wonderful discussion about the baby. We talked about our fears, and I let her know that I'm afraid that she does not really want to do this. She has not been able to be present for any of my inseminations, and I worry about whether or not she will totally and completely embrace the child whenever it's born.

Additionally, she is so completely dedicated to the foster care system and to the idea of adoption that I feel frivolous when I am telling her about my endless drs appointments, medications and new fertility diets.

In response she shared with me her insecurities about motherhood. To her credit, I think being a non-biological mom has its challenges in this process. She is the invisible mommy in a world where having two moms is not natural. And what further compounds the situation is the thousands of black and brown children in foster care who are aching to be adopted, so I totally get her point of view.

For me, having this child is about passing on the love from my mom, who I lost many years ago. I am not opposed to adoption at some point, but due to my age, artificial insemination is my passage to motherhood right now.

I think we get each other.