I discovered Lesbian Dad on the same day that Nadia jokingly complained to me about how hard it was to be a lesbian dad. “Being a lesbian dad ain’t easy," she said. "You have to get up early to take your wife to the doctor so she can have her blood drawn and her poonanny checked by an objective third party. I’m tired,” she said. And we both laughed because we were both tired. Tired of the doctor visits, not to mention the fact that it was barely 5 am.
At that moment, however, I thought about how challenging it must be to be the non-bio mom in this equation. I keep forgetting because I'm feeling very self-absorbed these days. Pumped up on fertility medication, I experience life in a daze so I'm not as present as I used to be. When Nadia joked about the challenges of being a lesbian dad, I thought about how easy it would be for her to stay in bed in the morning and let me go the doctor by myself. And I wondered what I would do if the situation were reversed.
I don’t know what I would do if she were on fertility medication; constantly scrounging the internet for information; investigating new fertility treatments; reading every book written on the topic; and repeatedly recalculating the odds of getting pregnant 'this cycle' with a frenzied look in her eye.
I don't know how I would feel if I recently chose to have a hysterectomy to remove my fibroids. Nadia never wanted to give birth so she had no qualms about having her uterus removed when her fibroids got too big. How would I respond to my partner’s burning desire to bear a child if my core values privileged nurturing children in care who may not have functional familes?
It is true that for most of my life, I did not want children. But something changed in me within the last seven years. Repro desire has crept into my heart, slowly but surely, and I have to admit that it can be consuming at times. During those moments, it's hard to remember to make space for Nadia. And it's hard to know how to make space for Nadia.
I think it must be hard for Nadia, the-lesbian-dad-to-be, to keep her center, her place, her identity vis-a-vis our unborn child in an experiment between my body and anonymous sperm. It's an adventure where the stakes get higher and higher with each passing day.
The underlying questions remain the same:
*How much will this cycle cost?
*What are they long term effects of infertility drugs?
*How long can we afford to keep doing this?
*Does this crap really work?
And the answers to those questions seem to change all the time. The uncertainty lingers.
But I do know that the love still flows deeply between us and that Nadia will make a great daddy.