Nadia and I have been going through major changes. It’s weird because, as you know, I am taking a break from the TTC as I wait for medical insurance to kick in, but I am still as obsessed with the TTC as I have ever been, and Nadia has had it. And, quite frankly, in my more lucid moments, I don’t blame her.
It’s hard to sit on the sidelines for over a year and be supportive of every twinge your partner is feeling. It’s hard to support an obsession you don’t share. Nadia, as you know, is ready to move on and adopt. I think that she has been an excellent wife, all things considered. I think her position now is that the TTC has negatively impacted our intimacy and has really taken the romance out of the relationship.
The injectible cycles, my fertility surgery, and now the impending IVF cycle have made my hormones completely wacky, my moods unpredictable, compromised my body image, and caused me to withdraw from the world, to some extent. Friends and family have been divided into ‘those you know’ and ‘those who don’t’. And it affects my relationship. Nadia’s fear is that if things are this way between us now, if our life is framed between two week waits and/or defined by whether or not we are TTCing or not, now, how are things going to be when we have a child? And, I have to admit, she has a point.
This past week our relationship weathered a perfect storm, it was ugly--dripping with anger and tears-- but I am hopeful that the worst part is over. We did a lot of talking and, in true lesbian fashion, a lot of processing. The next time I start channeling my inner Christian S. from Project Runway, I need to think about how my TTC self-absorption is affecting my partner. At the same time, she needs to let me know asap when she is feeling like a prop in my high-octane- earth-mother-vision. We plan to institute romance into the relationship no matter the cost. We need to bottle the nirvana we felt in the Caribbean, despite the daily madness of our New York lives and we need to prioritize our marriage.
Oh, and we need to breathe. We are taking things one breathe at time.