Monday, July 7, 2008

More Egg Drop Drama: The TTC, A Romance Buster.

If you want to comprise the intimacy in your relationship and watch all romance fall by the wayside, embark on a TTC journey with your partner. I know that sounds a bit melodramatic, and I know that I am not speaking for everyone out there, but this has been my experience.

Nadia and I have been going through major changes. It’s weird because, as you know, I am taking a break from the TTC as I wait for medical insurance to kick in, but I am still as obsessed with the TTC as I have ever been, and Nadia has had it. And, quite frankly, in my more lucid moments, I don’t blame her.

It’s hard to sit on the sidelines for over a year and be supportive of every twinge your partner is feeling. It’s hard to support an obsession you don’t share. Nadia, as you know, is ready to move on and adopt. I think that she has been an excellent wife, all things considered. I think her position now is that the TTC has negatively impacted our intimacy and has really taken the romance out of the relationship.

The injectible cycles, my fertility surgery, and now the impending IVF cycle have made my hormones completely wacky, my moods unpredictable, compromised my body image, and caused me to withdraw from the world, to some extent. Friends and family have been divided into ‘those you know’ and ‘those who don’t’. And it affects my relationship. Nadia’s fear is that if things are this way between us now, if our life is framed between two week waits and/or defined by whether or not we are TTCing or not, now, how are things going to be when we have a child? And, I have to admit, she has a point.

This past week our relationship weathered a perfect storm, it was ugly--dripping with anger and tears-- but I am hopeful that the worst part is over. We did a lot of talking and, in true lesbian fashion, a lot of processing. The next time I start channeling my inner Christian S. from Project Runway, I need to think about how my TTC self-absorption is affecting my partner. At the same time, she needs to let me know asap when she is feeling like a prop in my high-octane- earth-mother-vision. We plan to institute romance into the relationship no matter the cost. We need to bottle the nirvana we felt in the Caribbean, despite the daily madness of our New York lives and we need to prioritize our marriage.

Oh, and we need to breathe. We are taking things one breathe at time.


keri said...

You are SO not alone. But it sounds like you're taking back control and that's what matters most.
I think it's easy for your ttc journey to take over your life. And, in the process, we leave everything else lagging.
Sometimes those heavy talks are just what you need to get back on track.
Big hug to you both!

vee said...

Keep breathing you two - you'll work this through. Sounds like you're already on your way. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Lo said...

Yes, keep breathing. It is all so damn hard.

eggdance said...

I can relate-- this process does really take a toll on both partners and on the relationship. It sounds as though you are both talking things through-- you'll come out of this even stronger.

sarah said...

It is so hard on a relationship. We did a year of couples therapy, and that helped us so so much. I hope that all the 'velvetta' time did you some deep good.

dakota said...

Hello Eggdropper
My beloved, mulberry, has recently started blogging. I am very new the the world of private thoughts made public in this fashion but I read your recent post and felt for you.
Living in the city, keeping decent jobs with insurance, and trying have any romance survive is difficult enough and adding baby to mix is well, you know...

Anyway I wanted to send you and Nadia three poems I have loved throughout the years. My fabulous geeky girlfriend has made them links for you.
The first by e.e cummings:
poem LIX from W [viva] (1931)

The last two by the fierce and beautiful late poet laureate (and my mentor briefly), Audre Lorde --
a self-styled "black, lesbian, warrior, mother, poet doing her work
come to ask you
are you doing yours?"

You may be familiar with these pieces. The first a message of love and strength, the second an erotic message of love:

For Each of You

Love Poem

Finally when all else fails remember what Phyllis Dyler once said, "never go to bed angry--stay up and fight"
Just kidding.

Sending you love and respect

p.s the only site I could find with "love poem" has a typo-- "rigis" should be "rigid"

EggDropBlogger said...

Thanks for the kind words. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. And thanks for the poems. You gals, rock! xo

ms.bri said...

TTC was the second hardest time in our relationship, second only to pre-transition depression. It felt like it was going to rip us apart sometimes. Having a baby is a gazillion trillion times easier on a relationship than ttc. Hormonal sex issues, yes. But otherwise close and lovely. Keep breathing.