Monday, November 12, 2007

A Thin Line Between Love and Hate

I don’t understand myself.

So we went to the RE today and I guess he gave me some good news. He said that I could start next month. The back drop to this is, of course, the fact that I was scared sh*tless and all stressed out about seeing him today because I thought he might tell me that I had to wait, but when he said that I could start ASAP, I got even more nervous.


I guess I have a love/hate relationship with the egg drop drama. It’s one of those sick relationships where you can’t get enough of it but you hate the fact that you are even in it, if you know what I mean.

Even though I’ve been ready to have a baby for a long time, the idea of starting those injectibles again does not make me happy. I hate the hormones, the needles and the effect on my body. On the other hand, this forced break has caused me to think about nothing else but hormones, needles, and my body. I think about it all of the time, even when I am not thinking about it.

I know I am not making any sense, but the question looming in the back of my head is: what if I start this crap over again and it does not work? It’s hard not to go there, but at the same time I have to remain positive, right?

And the last thing my doctor said was that I have to have another Saline Hystereosonogram to see if I have any adhesions in my uterus now that I’ve had the myomectomy, which sucks because that test really, really hurts.



owl said...

I am happy for you that you won't have to wait as long as you thought you would! Sorry it is raising such feelings of apprehension.
I can relate to the 'What if it still doesn't work' train of thought. Something that is helping me now is saying to myself 'it is only a matter of time' it just makes it all seem not so far away, and more tolerable.
I look forward to reading about when you are starting and all the plans and what the needles do and don't do to you...and i very much look forward to reading about your BFP!

calliope said...

getting close to realizing a dream is ALWAYS scary as hell. Your reaction was normal.
That your doctor thinks you are ready is AWESOME!
& the sono hsg may not be as bad as you think. I had one done a few months ago and the worst part (for me) was the "I'm peeing in my pants" sensation I had on the drive home.
This is all REALLY great news!

vee said...

I know what you mean about trying and risking failure being scary, but trying to imagine a future without kids is infinitely more scary. I think Owl has a point about seeing it as something that has to happen at some point, and takes the emphasis away from any one cycle.

oneofhismoms said...

It sucks. The needles suck. The ovulation pain sucks. The HSG REALLY sucks.

But the payoff is huge, my dear. Keep your eyes on the prize.

It was worth every pinprick.

I'm glad you get to start again. :)

Co said...

I experienced the love/hate thing, too. I hated the whole R.E. thing, but I wanted a baby. And there was no guarantee it would ever happen. And it was so much to go through. But then it was so frustrating to do nothing toward the goal of a baby.

Obviously, it paid off for us big time. But I can see why you're not anxious to start again. Not to mention... you've been through an ordeal I never went through with the surgery. So, maybe the thought of putting your body through even more is just hard to fathom.

But I'm excited you can start again soon. I really hope this surgery was your ticket.