Killing Time

1DPO

Don't you just love A. Ged.de?
How cute is this photo?

One Can Only Hope

I can only hope that this is what is going on inside of me right now. I am feeling the ovulation pain. No pain, no gain, right?

Two more weeks to go. Ugh!

Fear of Success? Or Fear of Failure?

Thank you for all of your feedback on my apprehension of the TTC hamster wheel. I really am scared sh*tless. I am realizing that surgery leaves both physical and psychological scars. I feel like I am stretching my body to new limits and there's a small part of me that really wants to give up even though I have come so far and gone through so much. And as many of you have said, the potential reward is so great.


I also know that the TTC really is a marathon, but if I knew how much farther I had to go, it would be easier to hunker down and push through to the finish line.


In the midst of my angst, I am trying to figure out if I have a fear of success or a fear of failure. I guess I will have something to talk to my therapist about when I see her next week.


I'll keep you posted.

A Thin Line Between Love and Hate

I don’t understand myself.

So we went to the RE today and I guess he gave me some good news. He said that I could start next month. The back drop to this is, of course, the fact that I was scared sh*tless and all stressed out about seeing him today because I thought he might tell me that I had to wait, but when he said that I could start ASAP, I got even more nervous.

WTF?

I guess I have a love/hate relationship with the egg drop drama. It’s one of those sick relationships where you can’t get enough of it but you hate the fact that you are even in it, if you know what I mean.

Even though I’ve been ready to have a baby for a long time, the idea of starting those injectibles again does not make me happy. I hate the hormones, the needles and the effect on my body. On the other hand, this forced break has caused me to think about nothing else but hormones, needles, and my body. I think about it all of the time, even when I am not thinking about it.

I know I am not making any sense, but the question looming in the back of my head is: what if I start this crap over again and it does not work? It’s hard not to go there, but at the same time I have to remain positive, right?

And the last thing my doctor said was that I have to have another Saline Hystereosonogram to see if I have any adhesions in my uterus now that I’ve had the myomectomy, which sucks because that test really, really hurts.

Damn!

New Horizons

Tomorrow Nadia and I are going to the RE so he can assess my healing and let me know when we can TTC again. I am excited, nervous, scared and, quite frankly, a little bored with the whole thing.


I wish I could disengage completely and have a rest from my egg drop neurosis. But, I can't do that.


The fact of the matter is that as soon as I am able I will brave the elements at ungodly hours to endure countless sonograms, inject myself with fertility drugs and, ultimately, open myself to all of the vulnerabilty and anticipation that comes after every insemination.

I hope that tomorrow brings a new and improved TTC timeline.

Chinese Herbs aka The Four Gentlemen

I went to see my acupuncturist yesterday to talk to him about the taste of dirt. I told him that I did not like the herbs and asked him to remind me why I agreed to take them. He said that they would lift up my Qi (an important energy source that runs through the body), make me stronger, and help my reproductive system.

He said that the herbs he prescribed where a 'classic formula' and that they contained a mix between 'the four gentlemen' and 'four things soup'.

I will let you know if I notice any improvement in my chi, or if the herbs start to taste any better.

A Lot to Swallow

Okay, so my Chinese herbs finally arrived from the factory (?) yesterday. Yes, the factory!

My acupuncturist says that I need to take 1 gram twice day in a glass of water (actually it's three times a day, but I refuse). Yuck! It tastes like dirt. I don't know if I am going to maintain this regimen but I will try anything at least once.

He says that this will help me with my fertility. I have at least three more months until I can get back on the fertility hamster wheel.

Okay, so let's see two grams per day x 90 days (at least) = a lot of digested dirt.

Waiting for Godot

Once I get off of this ride, should I name my baby boy or girl Godot? Or would that be considered cruel and inhuman punishment?

A Wrinkle in Time

So I am traveling for work and I am registered to attend a huge conference and, frankly, I don’t want to do anything. I just want to park myself in my room and look at my navel.

Emotionally, I feel as if I am in some kind of holding pattern. I feel as if all I do is wait. I am waiting for surgery, waiting for recovery, waiting to begin the TTC and then, the ultimate wait, some might say, is the TWW. Basically, I miss being on the hamster wheel.

I know that the surgery may increase my chances to conceive but it is hard to keep sight of that sometimes.

On the other hand, I know that this is just a moment in time and that this too shall pass.

Little Detour

I'm feeling very blah. I am sad that I am not on the TTC journey, at least not actively. I resent the fact that I'm now on an official detour, but I keep trying to remind myself that I should be using this time to 'get it together'.

But I can't quite figure out what that means. What would it look like for me to have my sh*t together?

I will keep blogging about it and maybe, just maybe, I will be able to figure out where this TTC journey is headed.