My Favorite Pastime During the TWW

This is what i want to do all day and when I am not doing it, I am thinking about doing it. What does it all mean? During the TWW, I overanalyze everything and I'm tired of it. I can't turn my brain off. What a yawn!

This is my sixth TWW and I know that for a lot of you, I sound like a spoiled whiner, but it's just brual.

I am tired all of the time. I get home from work and I can't wait to get into my pjs and go to bed. When I am at work, all I think about is sleeping and how long I have to wait until I can sleep again.

I have no idea what it means, but I have been having some interesting dreams.

Olympic Swimmers

I just got off my phone with my dear friend, Dr. Prescience, who told me she dreamt that my boys were olympic swimmers.

Today was the first of two IUIs. The count was 12 million! I hope one of them is a gold medalist!

Tomorrow it's back in the strirups with Dr. Killjoy...

Third Time is the Charm

Tomorrow I go in for the first of two IUIs. Apparently, I have 3 eggs in play. Who knows? Maybe one will stick this time.

Besides, I have always loved the number 3. I look back on my third year in life with fondess, though I must admit I don't know why.

I just remember lots of pink.

The Official Tougher than Tina Cycle

So I am officially naming this cycle The Tougher than Tina Cycle.

I know that Cali says that I don't have to be tough for the IVP (and I love you for that, Cali!), I know I can let my hair down with you gals, but I'm feeling the need to cling to something "extra" this cycle to get me through.

Otherwise I feel like I might completely melt with despair. It sounds silly, but it is true. Everyday I wake up to face an extremely challenging work situation. I do think that the stress is getting to me.

And there are the damn RE visits. Last Saturday, when I saw Dr. Feelgood (the one I like), he told me that despite the recent increase in injectible medication, I only have about three eggs to play with this cycle.

And, then he said to me, soberly, 'well your ovaries just aren't responding like they used to."

"What? What do you mean Dr. Feelgood, last cycle I had 10 eggs, which is why Dr. Killjoy decreased my dosage. I don't understand."

"Well, what really matters is how many eggs get stimulated, not how many follicles you have."

To me, he was speaking gibberish and after waiting two hours to see him on a blistering Saturday morning, I just didn't have the energy for his word maze.

But now that I'm home in my warm apartment and time has passed, let's think about this, shall we? How could my age have such a drastic effect on my ovaries in less than a month? Less then three weeks ago I was over-responding, now my age has suddenly crept up and drastically reduced my egg production?

Well, maybe my body is just tired of all of these drugs. And maybe I was overstimulated last cycle. Regardless of what the real reason is, I don't like the fact that I only have three eggs to play with when I had six last time and it still did not work.

I feel weepy and sad. I know I only need one egg, but it's hard not to get discouraged. This is my third injectible cycle.

What's next?

Still Tougher than Tina???

I am feeling very emotional right now.

I think it must be the fact that last week I started another second injectable cycle almost immediately after finding out that the last one did not work.

When I saw Dr. Killjoy last Wednesday, he told me that I had three cysts on my ovaries but that they were not enough to stop the cycle. He told me to start the Menopur that night. WTF?

When I tired to get more information from him, like what caused them and how long have I had them, he said--while holding my medical chart in his hand-- “ask Dr. Feelgood the next time you see him, I don’t have any historical knowledge of your ovaries.” And left the room.

Needless to say, I was pissed. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to get information about my body.

Thankfully, I did see Dr. Feelgood yesterday morning and he told me that the cysts had already disappeared. It turns out that I only have 2 eggs this cycle, so he increased the dosage. I can’t believe that last time around I had 6 eggs and this time I my only have 2 so far.

And the other drama this week surrounds my donor. Apparently, the last (perfect!) donor we chose has retired. As I mentioned before, all of my donors have retired. I don't know if this is a good or bad sign. So we reconsidered our options and went with an open donor. We are both happy with that decision.

I am feeling very anxious about what the next steps will be if this doesn’t work.

But I am trying to remember that I am still tougher than Tina.

Tina's Poodle Skirt

This image greeted me when I got home last night. Nadia bought me this card to remind me that I was tougher than Tina. I don't think I am.

Yesterday was a very rough day for me. I spent the whole day in meetings trying to hold back tears. Even though I appreciated the distraction it was hard to keep my composure when my body was aching with that kicked in the gut feeling. Given the circumstances, I am amazed that I held it together as well as I did.

I feel as if I am leading a double life because the folks at work don't know what I am going through. There are times when my TTC secret it a lot to conceal. Yesterday was definately one of those days.

Anyway, I am going to try to remember Tina's poodle skirt tomorrow when I have to get into the stirrups--again!

And I am going to ask Dr. Killjoy to refer to me simply as Bulldog.