Shout Out!

I want to talk this time to give a shout out to the wonderful NYC blog-gers who nurtured and sustained me this weekend. I am so glad to have met you and had the opportunity to hear your stories first hand. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. I'm humbled and inspired.

Up, Up and Away!

Tomorrow, my beautiful stomach and I are going to float to the drs office for the first of two IUIs. I will be singing a song, but it won’t be the classic hit by the Fifth Dimension; it will be my favorite Jimmy Cliff song, “You Can Get It If You Really Want.” Whenever I need a little inspiration, I remember the chorus: “You can get it if you really want, you can get it if you really want, but you must try, try and try, try and try, you’ll succeed at last.”

As I float tomorrow, I will remember Jimmy’s prescient line, how much I really want the egg to drop, and the fact that this try really could be magic.

Lucky 7

My donor # this cycle consists of four numbers that add up to the number 7. I was never into numerology before, but trying to conceive (ttc) has broadened my horizons.

The number seven has magical powers. Afterall, it is the number of the gods, featured prominently in Roman and Greek mythology and the Holy Bible. Also, let’s not forget that the number seven can be found throughout popular culture, ranging from Prince’s seminal classic Seven to cartoons such as The Seven Dwarfs. Last but not least, in the gambling world, Lucky 7 images are derived from the game of craps, where rolling 7 wins.

This week, I will have two IUIs and Nadia will be by my side. I have a good feeling about this cycle. Despite feeling bloating and perpetually tired, I feel relaxed and open to the possibilities.

I recently met some other women who can relate to my trials and tribulations. And in spite of their own egg drop drama, they are still standing.

I'm feeling lucky.

The Shoes of a Lesbian Dad

I discovered Lesbian Dad on the same day that Nadia jokingly complained to me about how hard it was to be a lesbian dad. “Being a lesbian dad ain’t easy," she said. "You have to get up early to take your wife to the doctor so she can have her blood drawn and her poonanny checked by an objective third party. I’m tired,” she said. And we both laughed because we were both tired. Tired of the doctor visits, not to mention the fact that it was barely 5 am.

At that moment, however, I thought about how challenging it must be to be the non-bio mom in this equation. I keep forgetting because I'm feeling very self-absorbed these days. Pumped up on fertility medication, I experience life in a daze so I'm not as present as I used to be. When Nadia joked about the challenges of being a lesbian dad, I thought about how easy it would be for her to stay in bed in the morning and let me go the doctor by myself. And I wondered what I would do if the situation were reversed.

I don’t know what I would do if she were on fertility medication; constantly scrounging the internet for information; investigating new fertility treatments; reading every book written on the topic; and repeatedly recalculating the odds of getting pregnant 'this cycle' with a frenzied look in her eye.

I don't know how I would feel if I recently chose to have a hysterectomy to remove my fibroids. Nadia never wanted to give birth so she had no qualms about having her uterus removed when her fibroids got too big. How would I respond to my partner’s burning desire to bear a child if my core values privileged nurturing children in care who may not have functional familes?

It is true that for most of my life, I did not want children. But something changed in me within the last seven years. Repro desire has crept into my heart, slowly but surely, and I have to admit that it can be consuming at times. During those moments, it's hard to remember to make space for Nadia. And it's hard to know how to make space for Nadia.

I think it must be hard for Nadia, the-lesbian-dad-to-be, to keep her center, her place, her identity vis-a-vis our unborn child in an experiment between my body and anonymous sperm. It's an adventure where the stakes get higher and higher with each passing day.

The underlying questions remain the same:
*How much will this cycle cost?
*What are they long term effects of infertility drugs?
*How long can we afford to keep doing this?
*Does this crap really work?

And the answers to those questions seem to change all the time. The uncertainty lingers.

But I do know that the love still flows deeply between us and that Nadia will make a great daddy.

3 More Days to Go!

Nadia and I arrived at the drs at 6:45am today to get in line. I was number two. After a blood test and ultrasound, my dr told me that I need to inject for only three more days.

Yippee!

I can't wait until this part is over. Then it's two IUIs and the TWW.

One day at a time...

Fun with Needles!

For the last four nights, my belly has been our injection site. Tonight we are aiming for the upper thigh--fun!


This round with injectable fertility medications is an infuriating and infantilizing experience. I feel helpless and angry but I am not sure why. I am very emotional and totally zoned out at the same time. Everything interaction seems heightened but I also feel detached from my surroundings.

The routine that Nadia and I have developed around these injections is extremely intimate and intense. We are bonding around needles and fertility medication. If nothing else comes of this, bio-tech has brought Nadia and I closer together.


How ironic!