Freaky Science

My wife, Egg Drop Blogger, suggested I drop in to share what I am feeling. I have never blogged before but here it is........

I am happy but I am worried....though I must admit I am generally a worrier.

I worry about the freaky science. What effect do the drugs have on the baby? What effect would IVF have on the baby? What effect will this process have on Egg Drop Blogger? What if we have twins? Or tripplets?

I worry about being a parent. Will I be any good at it? What if I don't love my child? What if my child doesn't love me?

I worry about the ethics of it. What about all the children already on this earth who have no one? Is it "wrong" to go through such expense and trouble to have our own?

I worry about my relationship with Egg Drop Blogger. What if we fight all the time about how to raise the baby? What if we can't agree? EDB and I have a very different perspective on the world. She is definately American, she has that can-do spirit of man will conquer nature. I look at the world quite differently. Where I am from in South America life is cheap. You make the best with what you have and accept what life deals you. I feel like a hypocrite working so hard to have my own baby when I think of all the children begging on the streets in my country. Why can't I help them?

I guess I love EDB because of her positive spirit. I am definately the pessimistic and morose one. I am committed to taking it one day at a time. When I let myself fantasize about the baby though, I feel that it is all going to be alright. I'd love to have a little EDB running around.

How cute would that be!?!

In 10 seconds...

Hmmm...

The folks at blogher.com have challenged us to write about ourselves in 10 seconds. It is kind of hard. I have worked in new york's nonprofit sector for close to 10 years, but my focus these days is on trying to get pregnant. As a 37 year old lesbian, this presents some challenges. Nadia, my partner of 7 years, and I are in this together so that helps.

Approaching the road to pregnancy from a Christian fundamentalist background is not easy. I am increasingly awed and dismayed by the wonders of bio-tech. Picking the first donor was hard, switching to a new donor was even harder. Looking at all of the needles I will use this month gives me goose pimples, but as the baby clock ticks and as I wait for the right egg to drop, I use this space to connect with others around my quest to make a baby.

blogme2007

Breath of Fresh Air???

I haven't posted in ions (okay since July4th) and I have mixed feelings about it. Let me tell you why...

Last cycle I was supposed to start injectable fertility medication but I came down with food poisoning. I threw up several times and I was very weak. There was no way I could start the meds. Nadia and I decided that we should skip this entire cycle.

It turned out that it was a good idea because it gave us time to breathe. I think we were both feeling a bit overwhelmed by the process and even though it was supposed to bring us together watching my eggs drop was starting to pull us farther and farther apart.

She was feeling guilty because she was working so hard. She could not seem to find the time to go to the Dr. with me. When she was able to get there, we would have to sit and wait for hours and sometimes she would have to leave for a meeting before I was inseminated. This was very frustrating. I was feeling resentful because I felt that she was not as invested in this process as I was.

Since we skipped this cycle we have had time to reconnect and discuss our hopes and fears. What I learned from Nadia is that she was feeling very disconnected as the 'non-bio mom'. It turns out she is very worried she will not be present when I actually do get pregnant and that we will have to tell our child that Mama Nadia was working when s/he was conceived.

I think just hearing Nadia admit that brought us closer. And I think that this time around, unlike the other times, I will feel like Nadia is with me in the Dr's office even when she isn't physically there.

In many ways, skipping this cycle was a wonderful, magical blessing, but I am even more eager to get pregnant now. Tick tock.

Coming here and writing makes the process more real, makes me feel more present because it gives me the opportunity to reflect and connect with the generous folks who read this blog; but it can also heighten the egg drop watch, make it more painful, especially when it's delayed.

It's the Little Things: Biotechnology vs. Christian Fundamentalism

Six months ago, some of my family members googled me and discovered I was a lesbian. They then began to have a global internet discussion about me without my knowledge. The conversation lasted for several months, spanning several countries from the Caribbean, United States, Canada and, possibily, England. One of my aunts told me about it recently Since then I have had a few brief discussions with some of them about their shame and complete and total disappointment in my "lifestyle".

Discovery

I've made a discovery almost as significant as Columbus' discovery. Recently, I discovered thousands of lesbian conception blogs. Now that I know that they are out there, I feel a bit silly admitting that I thought I was one of a select few with a clever idea.

Some of my favorite lesbo blogs are already listed, but I assure you that I will list others as soon as I find the time. If you have any suggestions as I wade through this brave, new world, please let me know.

When Nadia and I first started this journey a few months ago, I had no idea how big the lesboconeptionblogosphere really was. I have to sheepishly admit it's pretty damn vast! I feel comforted but I also feel a bit small. I don't know if I can keep up with it all or where I fit in.

As a black lesbian, I wonder if my voice is distinguishable from the thousands of other queers who are doggedly counting their egg waiting for the right one to drop.

But then again, in the grand scheme and wonderment of conception, birth and rejunvenation, does it really matter?

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

Okay, so we are probably going to do the next round of inseminations with a blond- haired green-eyed French, German, Englishman. What?!?

When I first started this process, I did not even look at the sperm bank message boards to investigate the buzz about my donor. I considered this a deeply sacred experience that was to be shared between me, my partner, the sperm bank, the doctor, his business partner and all of the nurses on staff.

After Nadia and I made our donor selection the first time, I just knew that donor 57ddwas the one for me. He was Mr. Social Justice South American. He was not materialistic and had brown, wavy hair, just like my wife. When we listened to his voice for the first time on the audio recording, it was like love at first utterance, if you believe in miracles.

We were totally enraptured. We bought his picture and squealed when the downloading image first came into focus.

But as I have mentioned before on this blog, it all came crashing to an end when I confirmed with the sperm bank staff that my donor had retired. This explains why on two occasions I had to order my second choice sperm, donor number 37zz, one of the few open African-American donors. He is African-American, Native-American, German-Jewish and a smoker. I've used him twice and there is no bun baking in my oven.

In light of the fact that I will now be on injectable fertility hormones for 8-10 days, I've been scavenging the sperm bank message boards to see who recently got pregnant and by whom. This is how I came to choose donor 37ee. He seems quite effective. He is also an open donor, which means a lot to Nadia and me. It's not exaclty love, but if it works this time around it could be.

Thousands of dollars later, I need a dude whose boys can swim fast and hard up my uterus even after I've jumped out of the stirrups to hustle my way to work.