My Favorite Pastime During the TWW

This is what i want to do all day and when I am not doing it, I am thinking about doing it. What does it all mean? During the TWW, I overanalyze everything and I'm tired of it. I can't turn my brain off. What a yawn!

This is my sixth TWW and I know that for a lot of you, I sound like a spoiled whiner, but it's just brual.

I am tired all of the time. I get home from work and I can't wait to get into my pjs and go to bed. When I am at work, all I think about is sleeping and how long I have to wait until I can sleep again.

I have no idea what it means, but I have been having some interesting dreams.

Olympic Swimmers

I just got off my phone with my dear friend, Dr. Prescience, who told me she dreamt that my boys were olympic swimmers.

Today was the first of two IUIs. The count was 12 million! I hope one of them is a gold medalist!

Tomorrow it's back in the strirups with Dr. Killjoy...

Third Time is the Charm

Tomorrow I go in for the first of two IUIs. Apparently, I have 3 eggs in play. Who knows? Maybe one will stick this time.

Besides, I have always loved the number 3. I look back on my third year in life with fondess, though I must admit I don't know why.

I just remember lots of pink.

The Official Tougher than Tina Cycle

So I am officially naming this cycle The Tougher than Tina Cycle.

I know that Cali says that I don't have to be tough for the IVP (and I love you for that, Cali!), I know I can let my hair down with you gals, but I'm feeling the need to cling to something "extra" this cycle to get me through.

Otherwise I feel like I might completely melt with despair. It sounds silly, but it is true. Everyday I wake up to face an extremely challenging work situation. I do think that the stress is getting to me.

And there are the damn RE visits. Last Saturday, when I saw Dr. Feelgood (the one I like), he told me that despite the recent increase in injectible medication, I only have about three eggs to play with this cycle.

And, then he said to me, soberly, 'well your ovaries just aren't responding like they used to."

"What? What do you mean Dr. Feelgood, last cycle I had 10 eggs, which is why Dr. Killjoy decreased my dosage. I don't understand."

"Well, what really matters is how many eggs get stimulated, not how many follicles you have."

To me, he was speaking gibberish and after waiting two hours to see him on a blistering Saturday morning, I just didn't have the energy for his word maze.

But now that I'm home in my warm apartment and time has passed, let's think about this, shall we? How could my age have such a drastic effect on my ovaries in less than a month? Less then three weeks ago I was over-responding, now my age has suddenly crept up and drastically reduced my egg production?

Well, maybe my body is just tired of all of these drugs. And maybe I was overstimulated last cycle. Regardless of what the real reason is, I don't like the fact that I only have three eggs to play with when I had six last time and it still did not work.

I feel weepy and sad. I know I only need one egg, but it's hard not to get discouraged. This is my third injectible cycle.

What's next?

Still Tougher than Tina???

I am feeling very emotional right now.

I think it must be the fact that last week I started another second injectable cycle almost immediately after finding out that the last one did not work.

When I saw Dr. Killjoy last Wednesday, he told me that I had three cysts on my ovaries but that they were not enough to stop the cycle. He told me to start the Menopur that night. WTF?

When I tired to get more information from him, like what caused them and how long have I had them, he said--while holding my medical chart in his hand-- “ask Dr. Feelgood the next time you see him, I don’t have any historical knowledge of your ovaries.” And left the room.

Needless to say, I was pissed. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to get information about my body.

Thankfully, I did see Dr. Feelgood yesterday morning and he told me that the cysts had already disappeared. It turns out that I only have 2 eggs this cycle, so he increased the dosage. I can’t believe that last time around I had 6 eggs and this time I my only have 2 so far.

And the other drama this week surrounds my donor. Apparently, the last (perfect!) donor we chose has retired. As I mentioned before, all of my donors have retired. I don't know if this is a good or bad sign. So we reconsidered our options and went with an open donor. We are both happy with that decision.

I am feeling very anxious about what the next steps will be if this doesn’t work.

But I am trying to remember that I am still tougher than Tina.

Tina's Poodle Skirt

This image greeted me when I got home last night. Nadia bought me this card to remind me that I was tougher than Tina. I don't think I am.

Yesterday was a very rough day for me. I spent the whole day in meetings trying to hold back tears. Even though I appreciated the distraction it was hard to keep my composure when my body was aching with that kicked in the gut feeling. Given the circumstances, I am amazed that I held it together as well as I did.

I feel as if I am leading a double life because the folks at work don't know what I am going through. There are times when my TTC secret it a lot to conceal. Yesterday was definately one of those days.

Anyway, I am going to try to remember Tina's poodle skirt tomorrow when I have to get into the stirrups--again!

And I am going to ask Dr. Killjoy to refer to me simply as Bulldog.

Square 1

CD1

So I am back to square 1. The injectables didn't work.

I will start with another round of injectables in a few days.

I feel very drained and extremely disappointed.

A shot of vodka might help.

Looking Good, Looking Pale

Today I had lunch with an old friend who hadn't seen me in a while. When she saw, me she immediately said, "Hey, you look pale, are you alright?"

My eyes started to shine with glee.

She asked, "are you okay? Um, yes, I said I think there is a flu bug going around my office." My response was a bit strange because I answered her with a big goofy smile-not typical of someone who has the flu.

Looking pale is not easy for a black girl. So maybe, just maybe, this is a good sign, right? I'm feeling slightly feverish today but since I don't chart, it is hard for me to be sure what all of this really means.

Tick tock.

Extreme Fatigue

6dpo

I am experiencing extreme fatigue. And I do mean extreme. No matter how much sleep I get I can't get enough rest... but it could just be the menopur.

Tick tock.

Twinges, Pangs, and Lavender?

Today is 5dpo and I really don't have anything remarkable to report. I don't feel anything. Oneofhismoms says that she felt pain during days 6, 7 and 8 of the injectible cycle she got pregnant, so there is still plenty of hope.

I am trying not to obsess about every minor twinge or pang. And I've decided that I won't do an early test.

I am learning a lot about patience this cycle and, remarkably, I feel calm. Maybe it is the aromatherapy?

Plaid Rocks!

Swimming Towards the Golden Egg

Okay, so on Wednesday night Nadia and I pulled the trigger releasing, tiny ovidrel bullets into my stomach.

Thursday I went in for my first IUI. I learned from Dr. Feelgood around 9:30am that I had yet to ovulate (Yes!) Beyond that, the whole thing was uneventful. The sample had about 11 million sperm. I was able to lie down for 15 minutes because the waiting room was remarkably empty. You see, it was about 16 degrees outside and folks were straggling in, if they managed to make it at all. Afterwards, I went to work and felt a few twinges but nothing remarkable happened. During the night I kept waking up in a panic thinking, "what if I ovulate now?"I keep checking the clock, hoping for morning when I could get shot up again with those lovely little guys.

Nadia joined me Friday morning. This time, Dr. Killjoy (ugh) met us in the examination room around 10am but--remarkably--he was in a good mood. He told me I hadn't ovulated yet-Yippee!! Nadia held my hand during the procedure and it was over pretty quickly. The specimen was 11.2 million. I tried to lie on that damn table as long as I could but after five minutes, the nurses told me to start getting ready to leave. I was a bit annoyed because their post- IUI instructions clearly state that women should lie down for at least 10 minutes. I know, I know, time is money, but I feel as if I have invested enough time and resources into this process that I deserve more than 5 uninterrupted minutes post-IUI. Anyhoo, I managed to eek out another five minutes before we left.

Not soon after leaving, maybe 30 minutes later, I started to feel some pain that peaked around 2:30. I went to work but could barely walk. I was happy about it because I believe I ovulated at the right time, but it was very painful. I mean, I had six eggs, so it was a bit intense. I left work early--around 4pm-- came home and went to bed until 8pm when the pain had subsided.

Nadia and I are hopeful. I am trying not to be obsessive but it's hard for me not to be obsessive on a good day, never mind the fact that I was ready to be pregnant at least a year ago when I started this journey. Anyway, I am trying to enjoy the two week wait.

Enjoy? Yes, enjoy!

I haven't felt very many systems just tender breasts and fatigue but I think that comes with the post-menopur territory. I am taking it easy, thinking positive thoughts, and using aromatherapy to relax. We'll see how long I last before I go nuts.

Goodbye, Menopur!

Goodbye, Menopur! Hello, Ovidrel!

I went in today for my ultrasound. It turns out that I have six mature egg follicles. I am happy to write that I am done with menopur for this cycle and, hopefully, forever.

Tonight I am doing a trigger shot and my IUIs will be tomorrow (Thursday) and Friday am.

I am feeling cautiously optimistic.

Egg Drama

Yesterday, I went to the doctor for what I thought would be a routine sonogram and confirmation. I was expecting my doctor, Dr. Feelgood, to confirm what he had already told me on Saturday—that I everything was fine and that I would have my IUIs on Wednesday and Thursday.

When I arrived there, things didn’t go according to my plan. Firstly, I discovered that my doctor, Dr. Feelgood was off and that I would have to contend with his partner, Dr. No-Bedside-Manner, who will henceforth be referred as Dr. Killjoy. Needless to say, he is very cold and condescending as usual. When I am being examined by him I feel very vulnerable and I don’t feel as if I can ask question and when I do, it’s just not that helpful.

It turns out that I have too many maturing follicles for an IUI cycle. In fact, I have 10. Dr. Killjoy cut my dosage of Menopur in half and told me to come back on Wednesday to see him since Dr. Feelgood would still be out. When I asked him when he thought I would be inseminated, he predicted Friday and Saturday, but emphasized the fact that he really couldn’t know for sure.

So we are now playing a game of wait and see. I do hope I will have my IUIs this week, but right now the risk of having multiples is a little scary.

I am trying to remain positive and embrace the fact that it’s a new year. A lot of wonderful things happened to me and all of you last year, so I am keeping the faith.

Tomorrow is another day….and the day that I will find out if and when I am going to have IUIs this cycle.